A Flashback Dream – My Life’s Journey (Worried till 30s. Wisdom at 40)

A Flashback Dream – My Life’s Journey  (Worried till 30s. Wisdom at 40)

1980s – ‘Yet again that fellow called me by names like “Kaali”. I hate my skin colour.. What was wrong with God when he was making me? Did he ran out of white to mix with brown or he simply forgot his mixing art like short term memory loss…  Grrrrr…. Sob sob sob….’ 

Early 1990s – ‘Why  didn’t Dad named me just “Manju” instead of “Manjula”. It sort of sounds so long and weird and as if it wasn’t less torture for my friends extending my name as “Mann ka Jhula”, this damn Baba Sehgal decided to make an entire song on my name… Grrrrrrrrrrr……………… I hate my name….’ 

Late 1990s – ‘Gosh! I cant do this. It’s just not my cuppa tea. Can you believe I fainted last night. I was not able to understand a word in that ‘Indirect Taxation’ book and today was the exam. First time ever I have left my paper incomplete and I am sure I am going to flunk in this one (going to face failure very first time). And on top of that Dad asked  me to  sleep when I came back from exam hall promising me that I can choose not to appear for any further papers. But what the hell is this. Now that I have woken up relaxed, he has somehow convinced me to appear for the remaining papers. That means I don’t even have enough time to revise ‘Company Law’ subject and the exam is tomorrow.. Grrrrrr….. Hyper tensed… don’t know what to do, from where to start… Heeeeeeeeeeeelllllp…..’ 

2000s – ‘Who he thinks he is? Did his engineering from some unknown college in interiors of Maharashtra, can’t talk two proper sentences, himself is not working anywhere as of now and wants me to sit at home and do nothing post marriage. Wow!! On top of that he came with his entire family including extended family in the name of meeting a prospective bride. Oh God! I certainly can’t marry this jerk. My dear Big B, please find some way out. I haven’t studied hard and gained two esteemed degrees to marry an educated fool. Grrrrrrr…..’ 

Mid 2000s – ‘Is this really happening? I am absolutely confused. Yes, he certainly is a decent guy. He respects me. Wants me to continue my work post marriage, sort of everything is ok for an arranged marriage, but then why I didn’t feel like someone has swept my off the floor and why that dil ki ghanti nahi baj rahi.. CONFUSED… BIG AND BOLD….’ 

2010 – ‘Tears have dried up and words are lost. Am feeling blank from inside. It had been only a few weeks but we were like really hopeful. Feeling blank…’ 

2011 – ‘What!!!! Is this a miracle? Indeed it is.. the best of the gynacs had lost hopes and given up. How can this happen now? This must be a dream. No it’s for real. I can see two lines. Yipeee….. Please, Please, Please God, you have made this miracle happen, now don’t play any mischief. Please, if you have chosen me for this sweet little one, let it be that way. I promise to be the best mother. I want to experience this feeling of motherhood . I want to be reborn as a mother. Thrilled… super thrilled.. She is a miracle baby and now no one can take her away from me. Am damn sure. Hopeful.. happy…’ 

2012 – ‘Ahhhhhhhh…… look at me. I look like a zombie who haven’t slept for years. When would she understand that nights are made for sleeping, not playing. Just couple of hours baby. I don’t ask for more. Please sleep and let me sleep. Yawwwwwnnnnnnnnn…. Sleepy… can fall any moment.’ 

2014 – ‘”Do fairies and angels come down on Earth Mumma?” yes they do my dear. Look at the mirror and you will see mine. 😊.  Hugs. Kisses, games, fun, play, best part of my life. She is adorable and just perfect. Love.. smiles, giggles, laughter and much more..’ 

2016 – ‘Awestruck. No.. now this wasn’t destined. Miracles happen only once and this time around I didn’t even ask for it. Oh my God! She was praying in front of Devi Maa the other day. She wants a baby sister or brother and God actually heard her prayers? Surprised!!! She has some connection up there. Frankly am not even prepared. Can’t go through the pain of sleepless nights yet again.. God save me.. Am I happy? Am I scared? I don’t know… helppppppppppppppp’ 

2018 – ‘today while playing I asked him “Adi, will you go out with mumma?” and you know what he said – “No Adi will go with Appu didi”. Awwwww…… so sweet. Amazing brother – sister love. More hugs. kisses, games, fun, play, bestest part of my life. They both are adorable and life is just near perfect. Love.. smiles, giggles, laughter and much more.’

Ahhh.. I suddenly woke up as I felt two little figures trying to snuggle with me from both sides of the bed. I had a dream – a flashback of my journey so far. I sat down in solitude wondering of the dream that I just had and realised that this simple yet bumpy journey of my life, so far has taught me so many things. It has been my best teacher. Today I know I am a matured version of my own self. I have gained Wisdom of looking at things differently.

Today, I indeed love my name. I think Manjula sounds more respectful and gorgeous. My skin colour doesn’t  bother me anymore. My success and failures in studies and professional life have helped me to gain the confidence that I have today in myself and that reflects in my personality. I love the respect and love that I get from my in- laws and my parents’ and brother’s support and unenduring love makes my days merry. My partner is not straight out of those ‘Mills & Boon’ guys but he is just perfect for me. His understanding and silent support compliments my nature. The best part of my life is when I watch these two little munchkins of mine playing and caring for each other and having a blast. Today I know and can say “I am God’s favourite child.” Thank you God for everything.

Vrrrrrrrrrr…. The vibrating mobile pulled me out of my thoughts and  I picked up the phone immediately and said “Hi.. Good morning. Why have you woken up so early? It must be only 5.30 there in Dubai.” He simply replied “Happy Birthday dear”.  Yes, I knew he couldn’t have ever missed upon wishing me first on my birthday. I could see a smiling image of myself in a mirror.

Manjula Joshi

A Chartered Accountant by profession and a hands on Mother to two wonderful kids. Before taking up the responsibility of motherhood she had worked for more than 12 years in Financial Industry. She has a passion for reading and is proud to have inculcated the novel habit in her kids early on. She believes in raising kids who are well read and aware of their surroundings and grow up as a responsible citizen who can bring desired changes in the Society.